BOB - Brainless Over Boring
by Fireaz Myria
Summary: ... Question; what do you get when you add 2 to 2? ... I dunno. READ! Laugh! and REVIEW, plz!


BOB – Brainless Over Boring

A/N: This is what happens when you mix 6 cups of sugar with a Big Dumb Face CD… don't ask… think, Limp Bizkit gone… whacked! WOOHOO!

_My eyes are lazers. They will shoot and kill. Muah!_

"EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Link woke up screaming, having one of those dreams again.

In the dream, he'd look in the mirror, and see a rabid monkey staring back at him. It reminded him oddly of a time he had to teach a group of unknowledgeable people about the origin of people. People… he liked that word.

"PPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOPPLEEEE! You must be my ancestor, right?" Link asked the monkey in the mirror.

But all that the red-eyed ape did was open his mouth… he forgot to swallow.

"EWW! You can't be my ancestor! I don't have green saliva!" Link exclaimed, backing up from his _reflection_.

The monkey had shook its head furiously, causing the green substance from its mouth to fly across the room. Link could not understand how this happened, since the monkey was _in _the mirror, not with him… wait a minute! Maybe… maybe the monkey _was _in the room with him! Maybe… maybe Link's mirror was a… a…

"Oh MY GAWD!!! My mirror's one of those things that you know… you can move to one place really fast… like, at lightning speed… oh, didn't I use those in my quest against Ganondorf? … No, nevermind, that was when I had to go pee and I was in the middle of…"

Suddenly a voice came on in his head. "_Stop right there. We don't need to know about your excursions in Princess Zelda."_

"What? Who said that? I told no one about my… Uh… Shut up." Link was confused.

"I'm confused." He said.

The voice came on again. _"No shit."_

"Are you confused too? WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY ROOM! EEEEEK!! He can see my-"

"SHUT UP! WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THOSE WORDS IN THIS FIC! BAD LINK, BAD, BAD, BAD!"

"Oh, sorry… Hey, wait a minute… Wes Borland is a monkey, isn't he?"

"Only when he's high."

"Are YOU Wes Borland?" Link asked the monkey, ignoring the voice in his head.

The monkey sneezed.

"I guess not. Hey! Are you Cornelius? I saw you in all those Planet of The Apes movies! Yeah, that must be you! Ooh, that sucks that that dude smooched your wife, man… I feel for you, man…"

"OUAGH!" the monkey hollered.

"What? Oh sorry, of course! Here you go." Link said, handing the monkey a tissue.

The monkey blew its nose, and sighed. Monkeys sigh? …

"So, if you're not Wes Borland… And you're not Cornelius… Are you… Dr. Zeus, then? I know he's the smartest monkey on the earth! … He knows more than me!"

"That's not hard, you scored lower than a fudge-sicle on the IQ test."

"GO AWAY! I'm talking to Dr. Zeus, not you!"

The monkey picked its ear. It looked at it thoughtfully, and suddenly without warning flicked it at Link.

"AW! NASTY! Dr. Zeus would _never_ do that! IMPOSTER!"

My eyes are lazers.

"I said go away, evil voice in my head!"

"I didn't say anything…" My eyes are lazers… They will kill! 

"Stop scaring me! You know how sensitive I am when it comes to that stuff…"

_"Oh yeah, that makes _perfect _sense, seeing as you _are _the Hero of Time and all…"_

Kill… 

Link looked at the monkey.

"I got it! You're… Fred! You live on my friend's head, don't you?! HA, I got it!"

My eyes are lazers. They will shoot and kill.

"OH MY GOD! _You're_ saying that! Now I know what monkeys are like when they're high… What a minute… Are you related to the Gorillaz?"

Suddenly Link got shot with a red beam. It had come from the monkey's eyes.

"RABID MONKEYS!!!!!!!" 

"Shoo! I think I'm making contact with a new species! I think I'll call you… Chain!"

"How original…" 

"No one asked you! So, Chain, how would you like to take me to your leader?"

Suddenly the monkey's eyes glowed a fiery red.

My eyes are lazers. They will shoot and kill… MUAH! 

And then Link would wake up.

"You're my ape, and I will stand by you. You're my ape, and I will stand by you…" 

"So, you dreamt that dream too? Tell me, voice in my head who sounds strangely like Ganondorf with a Yugoslavian accent, WHY THE HELL IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY HEAD?!"

"That's up to you to find out, confused one."

"Geez, that's a first. Normally you'd insult me or tell me that I've been a _bad _Link."

_"Do not mock my powers."_

"I did not mock you. I- AIEEEEEEEEE! THE MONKEY! He's real!!!!!! No, wait, that's just Epona…"

"Home, home on the range… Where the cows and the antelopes nip your ass."

"That's not how the song goes. Shut up in there, I'm trying to think! …"

"That's new for you, would you like some assistance in that area?" 

"NOOOOOOOOO! I am not an incapable! MOO!"

"Spaz."

"What does spaz mean?"

_"Unbelievable…"_

"It means that? COOL! I think I'm gonna use that next time I see Zelda… Flatter her with my new vocabulary, then swoop her up in my arms and… Oh, sorry Navi." Link giggled, letting his little fairy out of his grasp.

"Thank GAWD you didn't finish that sentence off… EwwWwW, you woulda KISSED me! Nasty!" Navi said, infuriated.

"Ba-COCK!"

"Weren't you the one who told me not to use those… words… in this fic?" Link asked.

"Huh? What the hell are you talking about, Link? I didn't say anything…" Navi asked, confused.

"Ba-COCK! Oh mon dieu! I cannot control the urge to…" 

"Hey, wait a minute… That a chicken-"

"Snort."

"Navi, what the hell is up your ass?"

"Nothing, I… snort."

"What the hell is going on? MOO! Oh damn, we all sound like freakin' farm animals! THE MONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all his fault!!!! I'm never watching Planet of the Apes again!"

"Or maybe it was that Ketchup you accidentally drank last night, thinking it was-" 

"Shush! Never in my whole life have I eaten such a thing…"

"What? You ate a monkey, Link?" Navi asked.

"Never mind…"

"Ronald McDonald had a farm… EEE IIIII EEEEEE IIIII OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…. And on that farm there was a Ba-COCK!"

"Aren't you supposed to say the animal's name before yelling out the sound it makes?" Link asked the voice in his head.

"You're confusing me, Link… I think I'm gonna leave now… snort." Navi said, and flew out the window.

"Good riddance."

We will skip this next little bit, since it mostly consisted of Link having a thorough conversation with the voice in his head about the mating habits of cows and chickens. How did Navi leaving cause them to talk like that? … UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!!! … ANY-way…

"Moo."

"That's nice, Link. So, how would you like to suck my toes now?" Zelda said.

"You're spaztickly stunning, did you know that, Zelda?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? … SUCK MY TOES, FOOL!"

"My beloved monster and me…"

"Shut up in there…"

"Huh? Link… Are you…. AH! YOU DARE STAND UP TO ME! I AM THE ALL MIGHTY PRINCESS OF HYREEL!"

"… Isn't it Hy-MOO!"

"IF YOU WON'T SUCK MY TOES THEN I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO ASK GANONDORF TO DO IT, THEN!"

Then a thought clicked in Link's head. "Ganondorf lives in my head. And so does a rabid monkey. I think he's my ancestor."

"BAAH."

"Hey, don't laugh at me, it's true!"

"No, I wasn't… BAAH."

"Old McDonald had a-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Link, you cruel person! I'm never talking to you again! It's not my fault if I- BAAH! WAAAAAAH! NO! How am I supposed to do my solo tonight if I keep on… BAAH! AAAEEEEEEEEEEE! Noooo, I wanted to do Britney Spears!"

"Moo."

"Is that all you can say? I'm leaving, Link. You do not deserve to suck my refined toes."

With that Zelda took off into the distance, tripping on a brown object.

"Well, it's just you and me, now, pal. Ba-COCK! Oh, nevermind… here comes-"

"LINK!!!!!! WHAT SORT OF FUCKED UP CURSE DID YOU GET YOUR WARPED FRIENDS TO POTATO!!!"

"Huh? What do you mean, Ganondorf? How are my friends supposed to potato you?"

"DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME! I CAN'T STOP SAYING THAT WORD!!!"

"That's not a farm animal… L"

"MOO!"

"Are you calling me a cow? I oughtta- Hey! What's that? OOOH! I cute little weasel with red eyes! I want it!"

Ganondorf snatched up the thing that Zelda had tripped on before.

"Hey, that's not a weasel! It's my monkey! Give it back! He's supposed to be in MY head! Isn't that right, Chain?"

OUAREGHH.

"What? Chain, that sounds a lot like… OH NO! It's not the monkey that made us MOO! He's got it, too!"

"What kind of fucked up weasel grunts like a bull? You can keep him, Link. I don't want him anymore."

"He was never MOO!"

"That monkey is mine… No no, he's mine… mine… mine"

"He's MINE! Come Chain, we hafta figure out how to get out of this mess.

My eyes are lasers. I will shoot and kill.

"Aw, how cute. He's talking…"

"RAPID MONKEY!"

"What's rapid? Chain, are you rapid?"

Qui, moi? Ouias, je suis fast.

"Cool, he speaks Ancient Greek!"

"That's French, dumbass."

Mautaditabernackesti.

"You can't possibly think that's French."

"Potato."

"Why are you still here?"

"Potato!" Ganondorf suddenly looked very shocked. "Potato! Potato!"

"OH NO! He can only say potato now! GASP! That means… MOO! NO! I'm gonna start saying moo ALL the time, now! Voice in my head that sounds a lot like Ganondorf gone Yugoslavian, help me out!"

"Ba-COCK! … BA-COCK!!!!!!!"

"… Uh oh… Chain, you can help me, right?"

OURREEGH.

"Oh, damn… Hey, why am I not completely MOOed? Zelda!!!! BABY!! HELP ME!!!!!"

Link ran over to the castle, only to be greeted with various farm noises.

"Oh, no! I'm too late! What's happening? NOOO! I'm an OUTCAST! GASP!"

"Only people who are smarter than the animal possessing them will change completely…"

"Hey, voice in my head! You're back… wait a minute… That doesn't sound like- OH NO! Dr. Laura kidnapped Yugoslavian Ganondorf! L L! Moo!"

"Ba-COCK!"

"Oh, good, you're still there… Phiuh. Hey, did you just insult me? How can I be not as smart as a cow? Aren't fudge-sicles smarter than MOOs? What are fudge-sicles, anyway?"

"Ba-COCK!"

"Fudge-sicles are chickens? … Hum, I always though they were meant to be eaten frozen…Mmm… frozen chickens… haaaaa……"

UH, since the sugar ran out… TO BE CONTIMOOED

Yeah, I'm leaving now… leaving my dumb humor behind… Hey, where'd all the sugar go? L L L Anyway, R&R plz! Thankies!


End file.
